On June 2nd of this year, I lost my girlfriend Jackie due to an accident that occurred at her home. I believe it best to refrain from recounting the full details of her passing, suffice to say what happened to her was sudden and very unexpected. But, the real purpose of this post is to celebrate the culmination of an incredible and immensely fulfilled life, one which she lived to the absolute fullest. Jackie has a very loving and adoring family. She has an older sister and brother Chrissy and Ray, and two younger brothers Joe and John. To say they are wonderful, loving people is a gross understatement. They loved her with a love only siblings can understand and I was privileged to observe this almost every day of my life with her. And, each one of her sibling’s significant others are just as incredible and loving. Over the years I had with her, I’ve laughed, cried and greatly enjoyed my time spent with each and every one of them. I not only consider them dear, dear friends, I consider them also as my family.

Not only did Jackie have a wonderful family, she had a social circle consisting literally of dozens of close friends with whom she also spent a lot of time. I very often had trouble keeping count of them all and sometimes embarrassingly forgot their names, there were so many. I always had to ask her…”Ok, Jack, who is it that you (we) are seeing today and please remind me of their names”. She would laugh every time, and tell me their names knowing that I’d probably ask her again next time. 

I’ve known Jackie for 47 years. We met in 1978 when I was a rookie police officer and lived in the apartment above her. We dated off and on in the 1980’s and 1990’s, but life then sent us on different paths which life very often does. We reconnected in the spring of 2019 and rekindled and again began our relationship. Our travels across and around the country and Europe were things some people only dream of doing. Hanging in Key West and other parts of Florida, hiking in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado and other western states, visiting every state in the northeast U.S., (New Hampshire, New York, Maine and Vermont were our favorites) as well as Virginia and some surrounding states are just a few off the top of my head. Jackie was a girly girl at times, but she could hike, backpack and canoe with the best of them. We went to Italy a few years ago with dear friends and spent a week in Cortona (part of Tuscany) then ended up in Rome during our last few days there. I know I’ve probably forgotten some of the wonderful places we traveled to, but know that the grass very, very rarely grew under our feet. Jackie also spent a lot of time traveling with her friends literally all over the world and I loved hearing the stories she told me about her travels with them and seeing the beautiful photos she took. Jackie and I loved spending time with one another and there were never, ever times where we got tired of each other’s company.

Jackie was also a master gardener. She had so many varying types of flowers and plants in her backyard and each and every year took meticulous care of them. I had to download an app on my phone and take photos of most of them because I had absolutely no idea what type or kind they were. I’d surprise her when I’d look something up and tell her what a particular plant or flower needed to grow and thrive. She’d look at me and ask, “you looked that up, didn’t you?”. And I had to sheepishly admit that I did, but she’d always say “great job!” and we’d share a good laugh. We spent many, many hours and days making her backyard look pristine, then we’d sit on her back porch, enjoy a cocktail and a meal together and look at the beauty she created. Those were some of our favorite times with one another…

Jackie and I also played this little game called “what’s the expiration date?”. Know, that she saved everything. If I needed a piece of wood, metal or something for some house or yard project, she’d say, “wait a minute”, head to the cellar or garage and come back with exactly what I needed. As for the game, I’d ask her for a Tylenol or some medication or something she had in the fridge and she’d say, “yes, I have that”, but I knew the possibility of the expiration date being somewhere around the turn of the new century. She’d look at me and I’d ask her the question, and all she’d say was “you don’t want to know”, eliciting another round of laughter.

Jackie absolutely loved her Philadelphia Eagles and Phillies. When the Eagles won the Super Bowl earlier this year, we danced around her living room in absolute elation, cheering and laughing. I have to admit that we were cheering and laughing not only at the Eagles convincingly winning the Super Bowl, but also at she and I winning a very large chunk of money in a local block pool! Then, knowing that money would go directly into our mutual travel fund!

For the moment, I’ll just say that her death has hit me and her entire family and group of friends extremely hard…and, we all try to stay in touch as it helps greatly with the grief of her passing.

I’ve read countless musings, descriptions and meditations on grief and how it is processed and felt by a grieving person. And while most of them pretty much hit the nail on the head as to how I’m feeling at any given moment, they never really (or, fully) describe the volcano of emotions and utter sadness that grief can bring. Everyone handles it differently and in their own way and at this point, I’m not sure if I’ll ever “get over it”. Grief is an all enveloping emotion that at times, sucks the very life out of you. One moment all is well, and the next you find yourself sitting with your head bent over in your hands in a flooding stream of tears…the pain all encompassing and absolutely excruciating. I loved her so very much.

I’m fully retiring next month and have no idea what the future holds for me. I understand that there is a “honeymoon” period during the first few weeks/months of retirement, with everything being wonderful, then you wake up one morning saying to yourself “now what?”. I will continue on with my life, but there will certainly be a part of me that will contain a massive void.

I miss her deeply as I write this, but know she would want me to do the very things I love and to experience my life to its fullest. She always said “yes” to almost every new adventure put in front of her (a trait she got from her Mom) and it is a gift she gave to me. 

When Jackie last shut her eyes on the day of the event, I’m so very blessed to know that I was the last person she saw.

She now resides with the Lord and with all those family members and friends she loved so dearly who passed before her. 

I know I’ll see her again some day, but for now and until then, as she would want, I will continue to live my life to the fullest knowing that at every turn, she still lovingly dwells in a huge part of my heart…

Goodbye Lovey, until we see each other again…