Tag Archives: life

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I Just Want to Wake Up…

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Last month, I went through a grueling and involved 6-hour surgical procedure. For privacy reasons, I’ll not put a name to it, but needless to say, it was unpleasant and life altering. Now, for those who know me, you know I was a cop for 25 years, and cops have a very perverse and twisted sense of humor. So, for my family and friends who are or were law enforcement personnel, with jokes waiting to be offered up now that I’m healing and convalescing, I’d like you to know that after coming out of this surgery, yes…I am still very much a man!! 🙂

I’ve spent the better part of 6 months, give or take, in various stages of preparation for this surgery, not knowing the final decision making processes until a few weeks before the actual surgery itself. Knowing you may have to endure something like this for many months prior to the actual event is literal torture, physically and mentally. The minds reels at the various scenarios placed before you and it was during this time that I took care of all of my personal affairs, making sure they were all in order. This is how serious this situation had become.

There are several reasons for this blog post, but the primary one revolves around those family and friends who were with me physically or in close support during this ordeal. To say that you have my undying love and gratitude is an understatement. You know who you all are and please know that I love each and every one of you dearly. To have you in my life is not something I take for granted and I want you all to know from the bottom of my heart, I could not have gotten through this without you. You are all a precious gift. Thank you all so very, very much and know if I lived to be 100 years old, I will never, ever forget any of you.

I could go into details of the virtues of taking care of yourself, eating right, exercising and the like ad nauseam, but unfortunately my issues stemmed from a bad hand dealt from genetics. Oh well…but while playing out the cards handed to me, I never once felt like “woe is me” or “why me?”. I’ve come to far at this age to go to that place and the easiest thing for me to do, which I did, was hand it over to God.

In the dozens and dozens of conversations with family and friends over the months leading up to the surgery, my mantra to them was “I just want to wake up”…”I just want to wake up”. Almost everyone I had this conversation with mutually concurred…and that was that they’d also be thinking and asking this very same thing if it were them going through this. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, sitting up on the side of my bed in the dark, weeks prior to the surgery, I kept an ongoing dialogue with the Lord and asked Him, “Please Lord, just let me wake up”. But, “Your will be done, not mine”. My prayers to Him during this time were personal, engaged and intimate, but I always thanked Him for bringing me the strength and spiritual fortitude to endure the upcoming trial and doing this ALWAYS brought me sweet and beautiful peace. Having this spiritual connection, I believe, saved my life.

I could never end this blog piece without thanking ALL the medical personnel involved in my care, (before, during and after), my rehabilitation and everything in between. These are consummate professionals who have an extremely hard job but they do it with caring, compassion, grace and love. And for this, I again will be forever grateful to you all.

A few weeks prior to the surgery, a person who I’ve come to love in a very deep way, gave me a beautiful, smooth wooden cross, about the size of an open hand. Written on the side it says, “Larry, you are loved!”. This cross went immediately into my hospital bag and remained there the entire duration of my hospital stay and it gave me great peace to know it was there, only steps away. 

To the person who gave me this cross…it’s very difficult to find the exact words to describe how I’m feeling because they cross a very vast spectrum of emotions. Physically, emotionally, mentally but above all spiritually. With this gift, you’ve reflected to me the very embodiment of who Christ is, the foundation of which is love. And, I now return that love to you, in the deepest, richest, truest sense of the word. A love that only the Lord can fully understand. Thank you…

So, I sit here now finishing this blog piece. And, if you haven’t guessed it by now…

I did wake up.

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Living Life Properly…

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Marcus Aurelius was a Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher beginning in or about the year 161 AD. In the book “Meditations”, he wrote down his private thoughts simply in an attempt to give himself positive guidance and pathways based on the responsibilities and obligations of his various political positions. At that time in his life, he wasn’t writing for anyone else but himself. He didn’t initially intend his writings to become a book, but over his 58 years of life, he wrote almost 3,000 quotes concerning life, the living of life, love, generosity, kindness, humility, patience, emotional and mental strength and how to properly deal with whatever life throws at you. “Meditations” is thought to be one of the greatest literary works ever written on Stoic philosophy.

I recently came across this particular quote (and I’ve read quite a few by him) and it was one that struck me as quite possibly one of the most interesting, if not powerful and moving quotes I’ve ever read. Before moving on, please read it again…

I thought, if given a “2nd chance”, what would I do different? What would I change or not change? How would I live my life apart and separate from how I do now? How will I be remembered? Take a moment and think about yourself, how does this quote affect you and how you feel about your life at this point in time?

There is really so very much this quote has evoked in my mind and spirit, and I’m still really thinking and ruminating over it and don’t think I may ever stop. While I believe I’ve lived my life “properly”, (and sometimes maybe not so much), there are just so many other connotations to that word that I certainly believe I could be doing so very much more not only for myself, but for others. The broadness of that word “properly” makes me create a fairly lengthy list in my mind that it can be at times a bit overwhelming. But, what I’ve decided to do, is to take one thing at a time. One instance. One circumstance. One movement. One responsibility. One thing. One act…you get my drift. What is within my control now that I can change for the better and what are things that are outside my control that I can’t change and should just let be and not be concerned with. I can’t change what I did 5 years ago, or even 5 minutes ago. But, what I can do is live in the present, in this moment…now. To change how I react and deal with any stimulus presented to me in “this” moment in time. The future isn’t here yet, so how am I going to live in the now, the present? What can I do to live properly?

Like I said, there are so many different ways to think of and process this quote, and it’ll be quite some time (if at all) before I come to any conclusions about it’s finality in my life. I’ve been blessed in innumerable ways over the course of my life and I don’t take those blessings for granted. Not once, not ever. While I pray to have a continuing, growing and fulfilling relationship with God, this quote will have Him firmly entrenched in it as I go through each and every part of my day.

So, how will I live in this minute, in this moment? Not in 5 minutes, 5 hours or in 5 years, but now. While I’m not saying I won’t make future plans (I am a list maker), it’s the succeeding time in my life that will be dealt with as it comes. I realized that I have been given a 2nd chance, a fresh start…and it’s at each singular moment of my life.

I hope the choices I make bring love, joy, fulfillment, patience and peace not only to myself, but to those I love, to those with whom are around and connected to me and to those whose time in my life are just as fleeting as passing a stranger on the street.

So, I will wish to live properly…right now.